


Almost Is Never Enough

by jaemibbeom



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, It's full of pain, Jae is frail, Mentions of Cancer, Tragedy, and pain, and painful love, idk prepare tissues just in case, it's just really angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 05:45:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17637041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemibbeom/pseuds/jaemibbeom
Summary: 2 days before their wedding day, Jae called their wedding off.It has been nothing but a torment to her ever since they parted ways, ever since he left her wounded by his words. But when she met him again, it was only then that she knew he's been through even worse all those times. A cycle full of pain and love and tears. Just when they finally reconciled, Jae is suddenly leaving her again.Because it's always a hanging almost... and almost is never enough.





	Almost Is Never Enough

**Author's Note:**

> So... I wrote this way back 2015 and my writing style is so different but I thought I'd post it again now.
> 
> I love Jae :((((((

As soon as my gaze landed on that certain white clothing wrapped around a mannequin’s body, my system got the signal to etch a smile on my face. I could not contain my gaiety within me, making my heart race because of excitement.

I could already visualize myself wearing it in two days.

“Everything’s ready, ma’am.” the wedding coordinator informed me. I turned to her and beamed her a smile.

“Can I try it?” I couldn’t even hide my excitement.

She nodded at me. I smiled as I watched her take off the gown shimmering with shiny beads and gems. She guided me to the fitting room and helped me wear the gown.

“It fits you perfectly!” she complimented, eyes sparkling with amazement.

I could only smile as I watched my reflection on the mirror. I only have to wait for another 48 hours before my dreams come true.

_I can’t wait to finally be his wife._

“Where’s the groom-to-be, ma’am?” the coordinator inquired.

I shrugged while still looking at the mirror, still visualizing how I would look on that day. “He must be at work.”

She just nodded in agreement. A few glances more and I took off the wedding gown and decided to check on the other preparations for our wedding. As I was checking, my phone vibrated. It was only a text message from the owner of the hotel where our reception will be held so I just smiled again. Everything’s perfect. Everything’s happening just like how it’s planned.

I went home immediately and waited for Jae. As I did so, I looked at our photo that was framed and hung on the wall. We’re living in the same house given by his mom. Turns out, it wasn’t only me who was excited to get married. Our families too.

The door suddenly opened which made me jolt back from my reverie. Jae went in and his aura diffused gloom, making me worried almost instantly.

“Jae,” I called him softly.

He looked at me and then gazed away. He heaved a deep sigh as he turned his back on me, making me confused. I went to him and tried to converse with him.

“What’s wrong?” I queried.

He sighed once more. “Ara.” He called me and I nodded, waiting for him to add something but he remained silent, eyes still glued on his hands resting on his lap.

I made him look at me. “Are you not feeling well? What’s the problem?”

“I’m calling the wedding off.”

A deafening silence followed.

I suddenly got lost for words. I stared at him incredulously, eyes rounding in horror. What the hell did he just say?

“W-what are you saying?” my lips trembled.

He looked away, “Let’s cancel it.”

“But why?!” I sounded so desperate but I care not.

I want to understand… but I don’t understand anything. What is happening?

He didn’t respond and remained discreet. Tears started to dwell in my eyes as I watched him keep mum while my heart breaks. It’s only two days before our wedding and he’s cancelling it?

Slowly, I reached for his hand. “Jae... please don’t do this to me...”

He finally fixated his eyes on me. “Please don’t do this to me, too.”

I closed my eyes as pain engulfed all my strength.

“It’s just two days away...”

“Two days is still long. Please, Ara. Set me free.”

I opened my eyes and eagerly shook my head. “No! Please don’t do this. I love you, Jae... I—”

“I don’t love you!”

And then I heard my heart break once again into irreversible pieces.

Right.

This was my reality that I refused to accept. I was too drowned in the sea of my fantasies of him loving me back that I completely forgot about it.

I shouldn’t be afflicted by now, but it still stings. It hurts like hell. I fell on my knees as I reached for his hand, tears boundlessly cascading from my eyes. I held his hand firmly, not wanting to let go.

“Don’t you love me... even a bit?” my voice faltered.

He didn’t respond. He didn’t even bother to look at me which tore my already broken heart into pieces.

My world shattered when he released himself from my grip, before standing up to leave me.

“Let me go.”

_He’s leaving me._

I could only caterwaul. The sight of him walking away from me was silently killing me. I could barely breathe… and I don’t think I’d even want to.

_Just when I thought that everything’s perfect..._

“Jae!” I vociferated with all my remaining strength.

I felt my heart congest when he looked back. He lowered his gaze. “Please let me go.”

I shook my head. “Why are you doing this all of a sudden?! We used to be happy—”

“We were happy when we were best friends!” He cut me.

I couldn’t find the words to say. I couldn’t even take a grip of myself. I must look pathetically desperate now, but this is nothing compared to my agony.

_He doesn’t love me._

Those were the words that repeatedly rang on my head after he left. Today should have been our wedding day, the day I could finally call him mine. But the day came and met me lonely. Alone. Wrecked.

“Ara, please eat. You haven’t eaten since yesterday.”

It was my mom.

I shook my head. “I’m not hungry.”

She sighed. “What happened? I thought everything was happening according to the plan?”

_I thought so too, mom._

I didn’t respond. I hugged my pillow and remained lying on my bed. I’m nothing but a failure.

Jae was my only love. I’ve been in love with him for the longest time. We were best friends until that day came. The day my heart reached zenith, and his dug hell.

“I love him so much, mom...” I whispered.

My mom could only look at me, a gaze that was full of pity. I probably looked like a hopeless case. I’m a laughing stock now amongst my friends. I hugged my pillow tighter when I felt her wreathe me into an embrace. My tears fell more eagerly.

“I’m sorry...” she whispered.

“He didn’t protest mom. You know that... and now all of a sudden, two days before our wedding, he cancelled it.”

It was mortifying. We have already sent the invitations, the venue was already paid, the gown was ready, everything was ready. Everything and everyone— _except him._

The next day, I gathered all my strength of heart to talk to him. I don’t want us to end this way. It wasn’t a closure. It was an oblique destruction. He left me devastated, with the words _“I don’t love you”_ wounding me repeatedly.

I called his friend Wonpil and inquired about his whereabouts. He told me that Jae was in a bar and told me the address. I hurriedly went there, the dancing lights welcomed me—people at the dance floor swaying towards different directions which made it difficult for me to pass through. I managed to go to the area for the private rooms and saw one door open, to which I immediately went to—only to catch the sight of Jae, fondling another girl.

My steps became heavy. I felt my weight yanked by gravity, too strong that I felt like falling anytime. My heart throbbed loudly inside my chest. The girl abided kissing his jawline while Jae sat still, not paying attention to the girl.

“Jae...” I called him.

They weren’t alone. I looked at the people with them and realized they were Jae’s friends.

“Dude, Ara’s here.” Brian nudged Jae’s arm and that was when his eyes directed on my stance.

His eyes widened for a split second, yet he managed to change his expression right away. He threw me a cold stare.

“What are you doing here?” his voice was as cold as ice and it sent shivers to my spine.

I felt the pain rise again when I saw disgust in his eyes.

“I... C-can we talk?” I stuttered before eyeing the people around us. “Just the two of us.”

He blurted a wry laugh. “We don’t have anything to converse about.”

His words pierced deeply in my heart.

_When will he even stop belittling me?_

“Please...” I begged as my tears started to fall again, not able to compose myself anymore.

Jae stared at me wordlessly, as if contemplating on whether he would talk to me or push me away again. In the end, he heaved a sigh. “Let’s get out of here.”

He pushed the girl and stood up. Without even glancing at me, he started treading his way out of the bar. I sauntered behind him until we reached the parking lot. It was kind of dark, the lampposts were meters away from us.

“Jae...” I started again by calling his name.

I saw him stiffen at the sight of me tearing up again. I wiped my tears and tried to face him properly, despite feeling my lower extremities tremble again.

“Why do you have to do this?” I was begging for an answer.

Beg. Because that’s all I’m good at. I can only beg him for things. I can only beg for his time. I can only beg for his attention. I can only beg for his love…but he never gave it to me.

“You know why,” he taciturnly responded, like even talking to me was so much of a bother and he wouldn’t even do this if he had another choice.

I shook my head. “You were okay! You and I were okay! You didn’t even protest when we were planning for our wedding!”

“Stop your pathetic spitting!”

 

My jaw dropped when he raised his voice. His eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me intently, gaze piercing with hate. I felt hot drops of liquid cascade down my cheeks.

“It was a fucking arranged marriage so how could I even protest?!”

I looked at him with tears blurring my vision. “It wasn’t just an arranged marriage for me. Jae, you used to be okay with it! What happened to you?! I thought... I thought you love me...”

“You thought? You didn’t feel it? That’s where you got it wrong. That’s the difference.”

If it was even possible for my heart to shatter into millions of pieces more, I think it did. I could literally feel my heart breaking. He was mocking me, face-slapping me that he doesn’t love me. That he didn’t love me. That he never loved me. And he will never love me.

“Jae…” my voice was starting to falter. “Why don’t you just stay with me?”

“There’s no point in staying with you.”

“Jae I can’t do this—”

“Why don’t you just stop pushing yourself to me?!”

The quivering of my legs intensified and I fell on the ground.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

“You told me you love me...” my tears became clear in my vision. They were continuously falling as I ducked my head.

I heard him gasp. My eyes remained on the ground. I couldn’t look at him. Because looking at him would mean I would see the look of digust again in his eyes and I don’t want any of that anymore.

Jae took a deep breath. “We’re best of friends. I love you, yes, but only to that extent.”

As if it wasn’t enough yet, the pain doubled.

_“Please stop loving me.”_

He left me there, crying, pained, and wrecked. He’s killing me. I’m lifeless without him. Because I don’t even know if I can still function again after this.

I suddenly felt an arm lifting me, guiding me to stand. I looked at the person and with my remaining strength, I immediately wiped away my tears.

“Just let him be.” Brian blunted.

Hearing him say this made me even more perplexed. His friends used to be very supportive of us. They were even excited for our wedding! Why is Brian being like this?!

“What’s wrong with all of you? Why are you all prying me away from him?” I pushed him but he didn’t even budge from his spot.

Brian looked away. “He needs space.”

I laughed wryly. “Space? I can give him that! We can postpone the wedding and just get married when he finally gets satisfied with that fucking space!”

Brian looked my way and shook his head slowly. My eyes darted on his as they seemed to talk thousands of feelings... feelings that are strangers to me and I don’t think I will ever understand.

“He doesn’t love you.” He mumbled, loud enough for me to hear.

I shook my head. “He loves me.”

“Then why did he leave you?”

“Because he needed that damn space!”

“No.” he shook his head again. “Because he doesn’t want to be with you again.”

And it hurts again. Because I knew that it was true. He doesn’t want to be with me. It hurts because the truth always stings like this. The truth is always ugly.

And the truth is, I’m losing him.

Because he doesn’t love me.

Days passed slowly and a month felt like years to me. I fixated my gaze on our picture above the table beside my bed. His arms were wrapping me in a tight hug from the back, both of us were smiling from ear to ear.

_This used to be us._

When our parents told us we were getting married, we were both happy about it. Or maybe I was the only one thinking he was happy about it too. He didn’t protest that time, and maybe I was too blinded by my hopes so I took it as him, wanting it too.

It was almost 6 months ago. He even helped planning out the wedding. And he, cancelling the wedding we’ve prepared was a bomb that exploded right in front of me.

I went to the living room and saw him sitting there. We’re still living under the same roof, and that’s what made it even more difficult for me. Everyday, I get to see him. But everyday too, I don’t get to touch him. It’s like he’s made an invisible barrier between the two of us that I could never raze.

I sat beside him but spoke no words. It’s always been like this ever since.

I looked at him and my jaw dropped when I sighted a slightly purple mark on his cheek. I immediately went to him. “What happened, Jae?!”

He was startled by my touch and I felt him jolt and stiffen. “T-This is nothing.”

More than the pain I felt before, seeing him hurt pained me more. I shook my head. “This isn’t nothing!”

He looked away as he removed my hand. “Just... don’t mind this.”

“You got into a fight again?”

“The hell you care!”

That shut me up.

Everyday, I notice him changing. I always see him with brand new bruises and it’s making me worry sick. He’s always getting into fights.

I sighed as I tried to prevent my tears that were again threatening to fall.

“You always have bruises. You don’t even want me to help you cure it.” I mumbled softly.

“I can handle myself.” He responded.

“What’s happening to you? You’re not the same Jae I knew...”

He ducked his head, keeping me from catching his expression. “Just leave me alone.”

I breathed heavily. I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. “How can I leave you alone when you’re like this? Are you planning to kill yourself?!”

“What if I am?! What do you care?! You don’t have a say on any of this because this is my life! My fucking life!”

I wiped the liquid that cascaded freely from my eyes. This is too much. The pain is too much to take. I’ve been wrecked for multiple of times and this is my limit.

“Well I’m sorry for caring too much because I fucking love you too much.” I huffed as I felt my throat tighten in pain.

This is the last time he’s hurting me. I’ve received too much torment and I can’t add any more of it. It’s enough that he’s hurt me until now.

If he wants me to leave him alone, then I’m leaving him alone.

Even if it means dying to me, I will leave. Because it’s no longer healthy for the two of us.

“Buy me an expensive Christmas gift, alright?” my friend, Li, jested as we went through the mountains of books at this certain bookstore we went to.

It’s been, what, three months? I don’t know. All I know is that my heart is yearning for him, yet my brain’s telling me I’ve had enough.

I rolled my eyes. “My love’s expensive. No one can afford it but I’m giving it to you for free.”

_Jae must be filthy rich. He bought all of my love and left me nothing for anyone else, not even for myself._

Li rolled her eyes as well as she laughed boisterously. “I receive a lot of that from boys! Thanks to my in-born beauty.”

We both laughed and trod toward the exit of the department store but I halted halfway.

“What’s the problem?” Li queried as she stopped by her tracks too.

I froze on my spot as my mouth remained agape, my eyes fixating on the person standing in front of me. My extremities suddenly turned wobbly, I could hardly stand properly.

“Jae...” I whispered.

He was looking at me too. I noticed his drastic weight loss. Gone were his cheek pockets that I used to adore so much. Dark circles were under his eyes too and he looked so tired. I felt my heart pierce again as it pounded inside my chest.

The urge to hug him started to intensify, but I couldn’t even move a bit.

“Jae?” I heard Li mumble beside me. “He’s _the_ Jae you used to talk about?”

I couldn’t even respond to Li as she panicked beside me. I didn’t have the guts to speak to her and explain, but Li kind of picked up what was happening. She suddenly fished her phone from her bag. “Oh my god, yes Sungjin? Uhuh, yes… okay babe I’m on my way!” she ended the ‘call’ and looked at me apologetically. “I need to go. Bye, Ara.”

I couldn’t keep track on what she was doing after it and remained looking at Jae.

God, I could look at him forever.

He looked away and cleared his throat. “I-I... I just came to buy something.”

I nodded. “Of course.”

Jae nodded too. “I’m going to pay for this first.”

He turned his back from me and strode towards the counter. I watched him as he paid, restraining myself from running towards him. My heart jounced at the sight of him after a long time.

The pain inside my chest was alive again, but so was the love I have for him.

After all this time, my traitor heart still knows nothing but to love him.

Without any more second thoughts, I marched steps towards him. Seeing him was intoxicating. Because pain is addicting, and so was loving him.

“Jae, can we talk?” I bravely asked.

He looked at me and I saw him bite his lower lip nervously. It took seconds before he responded. “T-There’s nothing we should talk about.”

“But—”

I gasped in horror when he fainted. It took me seconds before I could discern what just happened. I hurriedly went to him as I felt my heart pound so hard and painfully inside my chest.

“Help! Please help us!” I screamed as my vision got blurry when tears started to dwell in my eyes. “Jae… Wake up, Jae…”

I looked at Jae who was unconscious in my arms. I enveloped him with my arms, feeling despondency reign on me. “Jae, please wake up...”

People finally noticed us and rushed to our spot. Someone called an ambulance and I was thankful to whoever he is. I gazed back at Jae and noticed he was paler and he has bruises again on his arms. Has he gotten himself into a fight again? I closed my eyes as I tried my best to gather my strength because looking at him at that state made me feeble, but I have to be strong.

The ride to the hospital was the longest 15 minutes of my life. I held his hand tightly as I looked at him, not moving. All I could do was gawk at him as they transferred him to the emergency room. I felt my extremities quiver profusely that I felt like falling anytime soon.

Every tick of the clock’s hands were like trenchant swords stabbing my heart. I couldn’t stay still. I waited for an hour staring blankly at the wall in front of me and it was utter difficult to breathe.

My heart thundered inside my chest when I saw the doctor exit the emergency room.

I immediately trod my way to him. “H-How is he?”

He gazed at me. “Mr. Park?” I nodded to his query.

He gestured me to follow him and I did so. We arrived in front of room 219. He heaved a sigh before opening it. There I saw Jae, his eyes closed, still unconscious. We entered the room and the silence was ear-splitting. I remained quiet, waiting for the doctor to utter the words that would actually be the answer to my questions.

“He’ll wake up soon,” the doctor began checking something on the record book he was holding. I waited for an addition to his statement and he didn’t fail me.

“He’s gotten weaker, I see. It’s been months since the last time he visited,” he added.

My eyebrow twitched. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, the last time he had his disease checked.”

I fell stiff as to what I heard. “D-Disease?”

The doctor nodded. “His Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It’s in Stage 2.”

My hands trembled as I gawked at Jae, and back to the doctor. “No, you must be wrong. H-He’s not sick. H-He’s healthy and... a-and...” I broke down before I could even finish my sentence.

The doctor could only sigh at my breakdown. I fell on the floor, feeling weak of all the pain. The doctor went out of the room, leaving me with Jae.

I held my chest. The pain’s rising again. And this time, it’s doubled. Tears started to fall from my eyes as I looked at Jae sleeping peacefully.

He’s sick... and he didn’t even let me know.

“Jae, please...” I begged though he can’t hear it. I held his hand and snuggled it gently. “Jae, why didn’t you tell me...”

My tears drenched his hand as my heart continued to throb in so much pain. I don’t even know what to do now.

I remained at that position for God knows how long. It’s been hours but my tears just won’t stop from falling, just like the pain I was feeling.

Suddenly, his eyes fluttered open slowly.

He slowly blinked before his eyes directed on me. “A-Ara.”

My heart broke for the nth time when I heard my name roll on his tongue again.

“Jae...” I reached for his hand, wanting to let him feel that I’m with him and he’s not alone.

“What are you d-doing here?”

I bit my lip to calm myself but to no avail, a sob escaped from my mouth.

“You’re sick...” I repeated what the doctor told me.

I saw how pain flickered briefly in his eyes before he looked away weakly. “I have leukemia. It’s on stage 2...”

“When did you find out?”

“9 months ago.”

I couldn’t believe what I just heard. 9 months ago? “And you didn’t tell me?”

Still, he wasn’t looking at me. “I didn’t want you to know.”

I shook my head as I felt pang strike me again. My hand was trembling but I tried to squeeze his gently.

“You should have told me!” my voice broke.

He finally pinned his gaze on me. “I didn’t want to tell you!”

I swallowed the imaginary lump on my throat as tears continued to fall. I don’t understand. I don’t understand! Why didn’t he tell me?

“You didn’t want to tell me? What do you think of leukemia, a cold that will go away over night?!”

I wiped my falling tears automatically but they automatically regenerate as well. My heart broke even more when suddenly, his sobs became clear to my ears.

“That’s why I cancelled the wedding. Because I don’t want to marry you in this condition!” he yelled, his voice faltering. I kept silent, still not deciphering what kind of nightmare is happening.

“I was afraid. I was afraid I would die in the middle of it. In the middle of loving you. Fuck, I love you. Yes, I love you!” his tears flowed freely from his eyes.

My heart almost stopped beating at what I heard.

He… loves me.

Jae loves me.

“Jae...” I could only utter his name.

He lowered his gaze. “I loved you since before. I was too stupid for not telling you because I was your damn best friend. And when our parents arranged us into marrying each other, I rejoiced. Damn, I was so happy! I was about to marry the love of my life!”

I couldn’t respond. Only sobs were able to escape from my lips. I felt like I’ve been stabbed by a trenchant knife a hundred of times and still survived to feel the pain. Like I was ran over by a truck countless of times but still not dying, only feeling the chronic pain of dying but not actually facing death.

“But then I found out I have Leukemia and I suddenly hesitated. This type of cancer rapidly spreads and right then, I knew I was dying. I was a corpse waiting to be buried. I can’t live that long. And that would mean leaving you...” he wiped his tears. “And I don’t want to hurt you because of that. So I pushed you away. Because I was afraid. I was so afraid that I’ll be so happy and that I wouldn’t want to let go anymore. God, I love you so much that thinking of this kills me faster than my disease.”

I shook my head. “You should have told me, Jae!”

“The bruises I get, they’re not from fights...” he whispered, tears still rolling down his face.

“W-what do you mean?”

“It’s because of this.”

I don’t even know anymore. I don’t know how I can live again while knowing he’s suffering like this and I can’t do anything to ease his pain. He hid it from me and it hurts. Now that I know about it, it still hurts, and I don’t think this will even stop soon.

I just wanted to be with Jae… but why is everything taking him away from me?

“I’m sorry...” he whispered once more.

Gently, I wreathed him into a hug, one that was so tight I believed if I let go, he would slip away from me. “Jae, please don’t leave me...”

I felt his arms slowly returning the hug. “I love you, Ara. I’m sorry... I’m sorry for hurting you...”

I shook my head. “Please don’t say you’re sorry. You’re going to live, Jae.”

“I’m dying—”

“No, listen to me.” I demanded. “You’re not going to die. You’ll fight, okay? I’ll fight with you.”

I felt my shirt soaked by his tears. We remained hugging each other for God knows how long. I missed him. I missed holding him like this. I missed every inch of him. I love Jae so much and I can’t visualize my life not being able to hold him like this.

_“Jae… Please don’t go...”_

Days passed by fast, I wasn’t even aware that it was already Christmas Eve. I didn’t care, though. My full attention’s only for Jae and all the times I can spend with him.

I sighed as I looked at him weakly lying on his hospital bed. His mom has just left after visiting him. We’re alone again in this despondently dull room. He doesn’t belong here...

“Love, are you ready for your chemotherapy?” I smiled vibrantly, trying to lift his mood.

He pouted. “Are you coming with me?”

“I don’t know if the doctor will permit me...”

“But I want you to be with me...” he stretched his arms as if inviting me to come to him for a hug.

I smiled weakly before coming to him and hugging him. His words were torment to me, much more than his condition. I could feel his pain in every heavy breath he takes. And if only I could share the pain, even getting a bigger part of it, I would. Just to ease his suffering. Even a bit... if I could… I would.

“Mr. Park, let’s go?” the nurse smiled at him as soon as we broke the hug.

Jae looked my way, his visage was like a child’s. “Can my wife come with us?”

_My wife._

It struck me.

“I’m sorry, but we can’t. She’ll wait for you here, okay?” the nurse responded, as if talking to a child.

Jae could only nod while pouting. He beamed me one last glance before the nurse pushed his wheelchair out of the room.

The moment they left, I caterwauled.

Pain was starting to creep in again and I felt the weight of despair on my chest. I couldn’t breathe.

Of all people, why does it have to be him?

“I can’t live without him...” I reached for his pillow before enveloping it with my arms.

Ever since I was young, he’s been my best buddy. My clown. My defender. My first love. My reason to live.

He is my life line.

He’s been my emotional support, and if he leaves, how will I function again?

I gazed upwards, trying to suppress the tears that knew no cessation. I don’t want him gone. I can’t imagine myself without him.

_Please give us more time... Lord, I’m begging... I’ll die if he dies. Please don’t take him away from me. He’s my life..._

When the door opened, I immediately wiped my tears. Jae beamed me a smile which made me etch a smile too. The nurse assisted him to lie back to his bed. I watched him until he was comfortably lying.

“Love, I’ll just buy food, okay?” I asked.

He nodded. “Be back, okay?”

“Of course I will.”

Immediately, I went out and headed to the chapel. And there, I let out my wail.

I prayed and prayed, resorting to it last. I was hopeless, but I know, He has plans. But I’m trying... I hope He hears me. I hope He lengthens his life... I hope He strengthens him and lets him stay with me.

I remained there until evening. When I returned, I saw Jae vomiting. Alarmed, I rushed to him and helped him. It was one of the side effects of chemo.

“Jae, tell me if something hurts, okay?” I whispered as I rubbed his back gently.

He vomited again. I wiped the side of his mouth right after. Jae took a deep breath before beaming me a weak smile, which broke my heart again. “Ara, sit down... I’m fine…”

I followed him and sat at the couch just beside his bed. “Are you sure?”

He nodded while still smiling, “I’m sure.”

Stop smiling like that, Jae. I know that you’re hurting. I know that you’re suffering. Please stop pretending you’re okay just so I wouldn’t worry because it’s hurting me more.

Silence followed. No one was blunting a word. Suddenly, he winced. I was about to go to him when he raised his hand and shook his head as he smiled once more.

“Have you ever thought of other people having feelings for you?” he queried out of the blue.

My eyebrows furrowed, “What are you implying?”

“There must be someone else out there... that can give you the love I can’t.”

I shook my head. “Don’t start with me, Jae.”

His smile was small and still weak. “Why don’t you try finding someone else? I won’t be mad. Just try…”

“Why would I want someone else when you’re here?”

“When I leave, you can have that someone...”

I closed my eyes firmly. “Stop it!”

Whatever I do, I can never understand why he’s telling me this. I can’t find someone else because I only love him. It’s only him for me. It’s him that I love.

“Please don’t make it more arduous for me... this is the best thing to do.” He closed his eyes firmly.

“Who are you to tell me what the best thing to do is?! You don’t know how it hurts seeing you in pain, Jae! I feel like the pain is hitting me even double than what you feel. Do you know how hard I beg the Lord every night to prolong your life... to decrease your pain... to live with me with more time? Do you know how much it hurts when the thought that you dying tries to sink in my system? I want to die too, Jae. I want to die with you. I love you that much!”

“Stop crying, Ara. I’m dying. That’s it.” Jae said nonchalantly.

My jaw dropped. “Wow! So that’s it? You expect me to accept that sooner or later, you’ll be gone?”

I felt my throat tighten. I gulped as the air passage seemed to narrow, making it more difficult for me to breathe.

“Doesn’t it even hit your mind, even for once Jae, or have you even asked yourself... How would I feel when you’re gone? Will I be able to cope up? Will it be easy for me? Will I not be hurt?! I’m hurting, Jae! Can’t you think about me even for once?!”

“How about me, Ara? Do you think it’s easy for me to accept that I’m leaving you? Do you think I’m happy? Do you think I want you to face the difficulties of being alone?! I want to be with you but I can’t! If you’re hurting, I am too, Ara. I’m hurting more than you...” he choked as his tears rapidly flowed from his eyes down to his cheeks, before he angrily wiped them away.

Like glass, my hope broke, crashed and severed. My heart was aching too much inside me, swelling like it’s been jabbed countless of times. Tears continuously cascaded down my face as I held his hand.

“Don’t leave me, please... I can’t do this alone.”

My voice faltered along with my heart breaking into pieces. I am shattered and only he can fix me as a whole again. It was painful as hell. It was dreadful. I was helpless.

Jae is bound to leave me soon.

My only love is leaving me.

_And it’s killing me tortuously._

I stared at the sleeping Jae in front of me. He’s really such an angel. My heart swelled because of too much love for him.

He fluttered his eyes open and I smiled at him. “Good morning, my love.”

He smiled at me. “Good morning, beautiful.”

I couldn’t help but stare at his beautiful eyes. They were my refuge. Whenever I look at them, I feel at ease. Like everything’s in place Like everything is alright. When truth is, it’s not.

I fixed his bed hair as we exchanged gazes. He breathed heavily and it was what startled me, given that he just woke up and he’s having a hard time again to breathe.

“A-Are you alright?” I asked nervously.

“I... I can’t breathe properly...” he gasped for air, making me panic.

I immediately called the doctor. My heart thundered inside me like a storm was raging. I tried to calm down but I couldn’t. Especially when he fainted again when he’s just woken up.

They rushed him to the emergency room and I could only wait outside, fear attempting to overpower me. I started my prayers once more and kept mentioning his name. I’ve never been this afraid in my whole life.

I feel like he’s being taken away from me.

Soon after, they moved him to another room which was a lot bigger than that of the other—a room where they can monitor him more easily.

Jae was still unconscious when the doctor talked to me.

“The myeloid cells developed even more rapidly, causing his cancer to worsen.” He sighed. “I’m sorry…The longest he might endure would be two weeks...”

“T-Two weeks? What two weeks a-are you talking about?”

The doctor ducked his head. “I’m sorry...”

That time, I thought my whole world stopped revolving. My ears seemed to not perceive what the doctor has told me. I didn’t really want to comprehend what he said. I wish I never heard him say those words.

I looked at Jae who was quietly sleeping as my tears started to race again. This was the torment I never wanted to experience. They’re counting his days... no... they can’t limit his remaining days with me.

I marched small steps, sluggishly making my way to him. No. I can’t lose him.

“Jae... why are you leaving me?” I whispered in between my sobs. I tried my best not to caterwaul. I don’t want to disturb his peaceful sleep. Waking up means he’ll have to suffer again and pretend he’s okay in front of me. I’ll just watch him like this, silently hurting alone.

I couldn’t help it anymore and I hugged him. God… I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to be left alone. I don’t want to lose him...

I don’t want to lose Jae… please don’t take him away from me…

I embraced him, enveloping him into my arms for hours. I don’t care if I benumb myself to death, I just want to hug him. If I could hold him forever, I would. Just to make sure he won’t slip away from me...

“Ara...” he softly whispered.

I gently released himself from my hug. “Y-You’re awake now...”

“Can you call the doctor?”

My forehead creased a little as I looked at him. “W-Why?”

Jae smiled. “Please…”

I could only do what he told me to. I went out to call the doctor. And when he entered, Jae asked me to stay outside for a while. I protested but it was futile. I didn’t know what the doctor would tell him and it scared me. What if he doesn’t use the right words? I don’t want him to bear another weight of pain again.

After a few minutes, the doctor went out and it was the cue for me to enter. As I strode inside, I saw Jae look my way and he smiled.

It was forced. I know him too well.

I didn’t bother to speak, afraid that I might say the wrong words. I remained silent as I stared at the floor. I didn’t want to look at him that moment because I knew it would break me even more.

“Two weeks, right?” he blunted, causing me to shift my gaze to him. I unconsciously bit my lower lip to try to compose myself. He gestured for me to come to him.

“Come here,” he smiled.

I went to him with lips trembling, along with my extremities. I hugged him tight, so tight I thought he would break, so much for being fragile.

“I don’t want to lose you...” and yet, I was crying again.

“Ssshh...” he hushed me. “You’re not losing me.”

“Don’t leave me, Jae...” I begged him as I buried my head on his chest.

“I’m not. I’m always in your heart, right?”

I cried and cried, as if my life depended on it. I don’t know how to unleash the pain any longer. This is my last resort. To cry my heart out until I benumb myself to death. I don’t understand why I have to undergo the yoke of grief, but here I am, facing it painfully.

“I love you... I’m going to miss you...” Jae’s voice broke.

I looked at him. “We still have time... We’ll buy our time...”

“I’m sorry for hurting you...”

Tears started to form in his eyes and I watched them glisten.

I shook my head and wiped his tears away. “I loved you, and I still do...”

I don’t want any of this… I don’t want him to hurt like this. Please… please… end this suffering… don’t take him away from me…

“I-I’m dying... I really am...” his voice was shaking.

“Two weeks is still long, right?” I bit my lip as tears abided their stream. “We still have a lot of time to spend together. If two week’s too short, let’s live in seconds... If that’s not enough, let’s live in milliseconds. I’ll love you in our remaining 1,209,600,000 time together...”

He held me and pulled me for a hug, eventually kissing the top of my head. “I want to marry you but I’m too weak...”

Damn this.

“I love you Jae...”

“I love you even more, my wife...”

That night, I couldn’t sleep. I just stared at him, afraid that if I don’t, he’ll slip away from me without me noticing it. Thoughts struggled in my mind and as pain started to creep again, an idea came up to me.

This is my last chance. My last resort.

If this is the only way, I’ll do it.

We spent the next days exchanging imaginations for the two of us. Jae talked again about auroras, the ones he loved so much but never got the chance to see in person. How I wish we could go together to see the northern lights and fulfil his dream of witnessing one.

Jae also named our imaginary kids, like we we’ve been married for years already and already built our own family. I listened to him as he told me the life he wanted for us and spoke no words, afraid that I might ruin the mood, even if it wasn’t really good to begin with.

It was heart-tormenting, but at least, we had an idea of how we could be if... If this did not happen…

His friends visited him and I saw how happy Jae was when he saw them. How I wish the happiness in his eyes remains forever.

The day finally came.

My eyes were watery but I tried my best to prevent them from falling. I looked at my reflection at the mirror and I smiled.

I was wearing my white wedding gown. I am at the hospital. And yes, I am marrying him.

“Honey, the priest’s outside...” my mother told me.

I nodded as I slowly went out of the room I was in. I planned this ever since that night we were told about his numbered days.

I want to marry him. If this would make him happy, I’d be more than willing to do it for him…

As I slowly walked, I saw the hospital staff tearing up. I smiled at the sight of them crying while congratulating me. I went directly to the ample space at the third floor where Jae was, lying on his hospital bed, dressed for our wedding, all clueless.

“W-What’s going on?” I heard him inquire to his mom as he sighted the nurses lining up.

His mother gestured for me to come over and I did.

Jae was shocked to see me wearing my wedding gown. His eyebrows creased a bit. “Why... a-are you wearing... that?”

I smiled at him as tears escaped from my eyes. “I’m marrying you, Jae.”

Tears streamed down his cheeks almost immediately and soon, the priest stood beside us. The matrimony started and I was holding Jae’s hand the whole time.

“Do you, Lee Ara, take Park Jaehyung, as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ‘til death do you part?”

I smiled as I took a glimpse of _my_ Jae. “I do.”

“Do you, Park Jaehyung, take Lee Ara, as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ‘til death do you part?”

Jae looked at me and smiled weakly. “I do...” it was almost a whisper.

And after we exchanged rings, the priest smiled. “I now pronounce you, husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.”

The whole place rejoiced but I couldn’t help but cry. Finally, I am married to the man I love. The only man in my life.

“I love you...” he whispered while he struggled to reach for me, eyes full of tears.

I shook my head. “I love you more.”

“I love you most.” I went near him and it was when he placed his lips on top of mine.

His kiss was intoxicating. I felt like it was already heaven.

“I wasn’t aware...” he muttered.

Jae’s eyes scanned the whole place, despite being on the hospital bed.

I nodded. “This is my surprise for you.”

“How much more time do we have left?” he whispered.

“86,400.”

We’re living in seconds. I don’t care anymore. I want him all to myself. I love him so much and I will love him until I can’t anymore.

My heart was racing the whole time we were together. I know. The limit’s coming. He’s becoming my boundary. My endpoint. My finish line.

“T-Thank you for m-making me so happy...” he breathed.

I nodded at him. I looked at the wall clock and it says it’s 10 in the evening. I held his hand tight, throat tightening in pain.

“Jae... thank you for everything...”

I wanted to tell him that. I want to tell him how thankful I am that he was the one I love. I want to tell him how thankful I am that he came into my life.

He shook his head. “No. Thank you for being my everything...”

Endless tears. Painful cries. The pain I’ve been keeping for so long intensified and resurfaced. I felt like dying. I don’t want him gone... I don’t want him to go... but I don’t want him to suffer anymore.

“Thank y-you for... being here for me... for... l-loving me despite everything I-I’ve done...” speaking has become hard for him to do too.

I took a deep breath and pinned my gaze on him.

“If there’s something in this world that I don’t regret, it’s loving you. You took me to a place where everything’s perfect. The place where my heart’s at peace… Thank you... for loving me.” I paused because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. “I love you so much, Jae... Remember that, love… No matter how much you’ve hurt me... no matter how intense the pain, my heart is still with you. It’ll forever stay with you. Wherever you’re heading to, you’re taking my heart. Don’t forget about that, okay?”

Jae smiled at me weakly. “I love you…”

His eyes slowly fluttered close, as the machine beside him made a cacophony that will forever be in my memory.

_The Jae I loved... is now gone._

I bit my lip. One by one, my tears started to fall, followed by another, and the next is boundless. A sob escaped from my lips and it was when I felt like my breath ceased too. “Jae...” I called, even if I knew…

He wouldn’t hear me anymore.

I hugged him tight. “I love you so much Jae… Please always remember that...” my tears soaked his shirt. I crumpled it as I felt my sanity being yanked by all grief. It’s painful as hell. Because the moment he died, I knew, my heart died too.

It was over. I’ve gone into my limit. I owned him, but not for too long. It was almost, but not quite. Almost heaven. Almost zenith. Almost pure bliss. But as the song goes, _almost is never enough._

I was almost Mrs. Park. Almost not having my dream, but he made it come true. I became his Mrs. Park. It’s painful to think that he left me already, but at least... he won’t suffer anymore.

No more medicines... No more vomiting... No more chemotherapy... No more pain.

_And no more Jae for me too._

I remained hugging the lifeless body of the only man I loved.

“No matter how painful it is... I need to accept that you’re now gone. Please be happy wherever you’re heading to. I love you so much, Jae... please be happy, my angel…” I whispered to him.

 

Life may have countless hurdles, but life also gives us countless reasons to overcome them.

One of mine, _is meeting him._

He was my best friend, my angel, my beloved, my life line.

I love him. God knows how much I do. But God knows too that we have limits, and he’s my boundary. The person I can’t have for so long. The person I love, but left me scars. The person who gave me reasons not to love him, but made me fall. The person who made me fall in love, but destroyed me in the most beautiful way.

He was my sweetest downfall.

They may see our forever end— _too soon,_ but ours really just started.

Forever exists. I know. I’m certain.

_Because I found my forever in him._

 

**_“Jae… This is where our forever starts.”_ **

**Author's Note:**

> It's lame but yeah. I used to love this back when I first wrote this.


End file.
